An Open Letter To Anyone Who Might Ever Love Me

I’m not perfect, far from it…but if you are going to attempt to love me, then it’s important that you know that I will try really hard to keep you from doing just that.

In the past I’ve hurt my friends and family, and I’m sure that I will do it again. I’ve lied and not followed through on promises. I forget things (a lot lately) I miss birthdays, anniversaries and funerals. I never call when I say I will, and sometimes I hide in my shell and don’t come out for weeks. I push away anyone who might love me just to see if they will come back. I expect the worst out of everyone so that I’m not disappointed when they give it to me. I refuse to ask for help and I’d rather be alone than to impose on someone. I come off as aloof because I try so hard to act like I don’t care when in all actuality, I really care more than you will ever know.

I cry every single day and there’s nothing you can do about it. I give away my love as fast as I can, in hopes that I’ll forget what’s happened in my past. I’m impulsive and reckless, loud and sometimes (okay a lot of times) obnoxious and I hardly ever act like an adult. Some of these things are just me, but others I know need to be addressed and if you will try to love me, then I promise to try to change what makes it hard to do just that.

‪#‎30DOT‬ ‪#‎DoYou‬ ‪#‎LoveChangesPeople


My Suicide Note

One night a few years ago, I felt as if I was at rock bottom. I saw no future and I was desperate to end the pain that my life had become. I wrote a goodbye note to my family and i ran. I ended up calling the suicide hotline and then I checked myself into the local mental hospital.

I learned so much while I was there but one question was left unanswered. I told three doctors while I was inpatient, that I would strike myself until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I remember asking with tears streaming, why do I do this? Does anyone else? Am I crazy? All three doctors had no answer.

A few weeks later,via a simple Google search, I found the term…self-harm! There was a name for it! Why did no one tell me??? I discovered that I had been self-harming in several different ways for years.

Fast forward, today I am a much healthier person. I rid myself of the baggage that was bringing me down and everyday I get stronger. Do I still struggle? Absolutely. But I know that I am not alone and I know that there is hope.

I joined The Truce Initiative because I wanted to make sure that no one ever felt the way I did. To raise awareness about this important issue and hopefully to help others see hope for a brighter life ahead. Now that we have teamed up with Team Bossy Kids, I know that the message will be heard. Together, we are changing the world! I hope you join us!!!

‪#‎NoMore‬ ‪#‎YouMatter‬ ‪#‎musicismedicine‬ ‪#‎truceinitiative‬ ‪#‎suicideawareness‬ ‪#‎suicideprevention‬ ‪#‎suicidesupport‬ ‪#‎selfharmprevention‬ ‪#‎selfharmawareness‬ ‪#‎selfharmsupport‬

I’m not who you want me to be

I’m sick and fucking tired of everyone telling me how I SHOULD act, how I SHOULD do things, and how I SHOULD feel. You know what? I spent an entire marriage with someone telling me what to do and I am NEVER gonna do that again. So fuck you and all of your expectations. The way I see it, I have a lot of living to do (about 10 years to be exact) and considering I’ve actually seen my life flash before my eyes with a gun shoved down my throat, I am gonna live the fuck out of the life I have left! So here’s a few things that you can expect, love me or leave me ok???

☆ I’m not going to be quiet, quiet is boring.
I’m gonna yell!

☆ If I see something I want, I’m gonna go after it
with all that I have, and I won’t rest until
I’m satisfied.

☆ I’m going to take risks because I like them,
and they let me know I’m alive.

☆ I’m going to stay up late and then most likely I’ll
get up early. Sleep, ha…I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
I’ve got shit to do.

☆ I’m going to take walks at midnight and gaze at
the stars. Sometimes I’ll be alone, and you
know what? I like that!!!

☆ I’m going to camp out on a beach and then
watch the sunrise from a hammock. (If anyone
wants to jump in on this, just buy me a trip & you
can hang in the hammock with me!)

☆ I’m gonna dance, and sing and laugh and I don’t
care who’s looking or where I am. If I’m having
fun, I’m never going to stifle that again.

☆ I’m gonna try new things, sleep with new people
and never pass up a chance for adventure again.

☆ I’m gonna drink and I’m gonna smoke and I’m
gonna love with all of my heart and soul!

☆ I’m gonna make new friends out of strangers and
I’m gonna do things you probably won’t agree
with, but guess what? It’s not your life, it’s mine!
So, back the fuck up and watch all the fun, or join
in and LIVE with me!!!!

‪#‎30DOT‬ ‪#‎DoYou‬ ‪#‎LoveChangesPeople

A Thank You Note

I need to thank you, all of you – yes, you too. Thank you for everything you’ve done and for what you will do. For your support, your hugs, your listening ears and for your shoulders that I have soaked with the countless tears I’ve cried. For giving to and caring enough to assist a woman that many of you have never even met. How can I ever thank you for helping me rise from the ashes of a life that would have killed most people? What did I do to deserve so much love? I’d begun to think that I was undeserving of it but you have helped me to see that I do.

I was married for 10 years and 10 days (to be exact). He was abusive, sadistic and truly evil, but that’s all over now. I’m free of him and I’ll never again fear what awaits me when I arrive home. In order to escape I had to run, and run I did – like a refugee, I ran and I never looked back. When I did, I left behind my entire life, everything I had ever known; my dream home, my cars and my job and every single belonging I had ever aquired in my 37 years of life, every photo, every memento, everything. Believe it or not, that was the easiest part!

What was not easy was opening up and allowing people in again. It was hard to accept the help that you offer and it still is, but I’m learning. I have been gifted with amazing friends both locally and across the globe. So thank you for all that you do, have done and will do. I would never have survived if I didn’t have you.